I don’t like talking about my feelings on a first person present tense basis. If you noticed my writing are generally done based upon what has happened (past tense) not what is happening. It makes me very uncomfortable to talk about how I feel and doing presently. In part, I have a very difficult time accurately expressing exactly what I am feeling. I call this emotionally constipated and when it does come out…extremely unpleasant. (Sorry for the terrible and gross analogy but it fits best)
Lately, the Lord has me in a position of stillness. I would have to say I’m not a huge fan of it. For one, I feel like I’m a hamster on a wheel going around and around and getting no where or at least seemingly no where. I keep asking Lord what should I do? How should I serve? Give me words to speak something! And there is just one answer “stay still.” And on occasion words to speak. But this morning he brought to mind Psalm 23 and the verses that say, “he makes me lie in green pastures and walks with me beside still waters.” So he has me in this place of stillness and where I am not out “doing” I am required to focus on “being.”
But see there is a big problem with that… What am I “being?” This stillness has required a silent uncomfortable assessment of myself. A mirror has been laid before me and I have been required to look at myself. Now, let me explain how uncomfortable this is to me. Physically I can’t stand to look at myself in the mirror. It makes me feel totally awkward and like a total doofus. Looking at pictures of myself makes me feel anxious and frustrated. Watching myself on video…is like dying a slow death. It’s awful!
But having to stay still while God holds up a mirror so that I can see the “inner man” as Paul describes in 2 Corinthians 4:16 is highly uncomfortable. Now, if I was looking at this to find flaw and issue no problem I could pick apart myself with ease. But no, the Lord is not holding it up to find flaw and issue no He is holding up a mirror to change what I see to what He sees. See the Lord knows, why I am so uncomfortable he knows the negative view I have and he knows that negative view of myself is as harmful to my witness and testimony of Him as a prideful conceded view.
The Lord has me in a place of stillness to get me to look at myself and pattern my view according to His word so that I may take that and be built up and build others up. My negative view is like wounded soldier and I can’t fight if I’m nursing wounds and shying away. So this healing and change is required and it’s so uncomfortable.
In other words, my identity in Christ is strictly head knowledge not heart knowledge and now I’m going through an intensive makeover. Ouch. But with all the unpleasantries, good does come out of it. See I am forced to look but not alone. When I look into that mirror the Lord is holding my hand. See before I could even get to the point of looking He had to bust me out of prison. I had to be set free.
Maybe you can relate. Prior to looking into the mirror and being uncomfortable I had to hold his hand and leave the prison and that was very difficult.
The best way to describe a negative view of oneself is this: I was locked in a labyrinth of lying mirrors. Each one a lie the enemy had placed to imprison me. A hurt that had been done would be a door for him to seal with a lying mirror. I had been so surrounded by these lies I was left to believe they were true to the point the enemy no longer had to build the prison I started to build it myself. I built thinking I was protecting myself from hurt. Until Jesus came and broke down the prison door. Breaking down that door didn’t feel like rescue it felt like my world was imploding. Everything felt dark and for first time I recognized I was chained and not free. The Lord gave me a choice I was either going to walk through some dark hallways to get through this labyrinth with him or I was going to choose to stay in that prison of lying mirrors.
I chose to go with Him but I had to walk very dark hallways. Hallways so dark I wanted to cut parts of me off because it was too painful to deal with. But the Lord is good and he walks with me the whole way never letting go even if I can see nothing.
Now that he has rescued me from the prison He doesn’t leave me to heal myself. No, He tends to me. He heals the wounds and he requires me to stay still and recover and restore so that I may go out not just “knowing” I am a new creation but acting as a new creation.
Jesus is good! He is my hope! He is the light! Praise be to Him!